I slept great until I had to get up at 3:30am to go to the bathroom. When I went to lie back down I felt overwhelmed by horrible thoughts and lies. Satan definitely knows how and when to attack.
It started as preposterous thoughts such as, "You're letting everyone down. Your body is broken. Something must be wrong..." and then turned nasty "You're probably going to die, oh yeah and your baby too."
Knowing these are all horrible, condemning thoughts I would try and answer each one with truth, but felt completely terrified, overwhelmed and burdened at the same time. I got up and went straight for my Bible.
I admit that recently I haven't been spending too much personal time in God's word. I have been taking a great doctrines class at church and have let the readings each week count as my "studying God's word" time and have neglected to seek Him personally. It definitely caught up with me. My armor was off and Satan knew it.
It was so great to confess my neglect and time away from Him and what a sweet time of restoration of our relationship. Man, I missed Him and can not believe that a sinner like me is so welcome into the arms of my Savior. A sense of peace so physical and real washed over me. It was amazing.
Sometimes I'm so bad at giving my laundry list of needs to God- give me a safe birth, no complications, quick labor, wonderful support, on and on and on. These are all good things and of course, He's there to listen to every concern no matter how small. But He is not a genie in a bottle waiting to grant my every wish. It's very easy to abuse my relationship with a list of demands and not enjoy the relationship itself.
So, can I just ask that as you're praying for me that you start with this request?
That as I walk through this season that I would seek my Father first and that all else would follow according to His will.
Thanks guys. :)
Quick physical update: Still no contractions since yesterday. My midwife is going to stay at her friend's house in Augusta this weekend so she'll be close by. We did a full prenatal exam today and everything looks great. Whitaker's heartrate is right where it needs to be and fetal movements are great. My blood pressure is wonderful -98/64, no protein or ketones in urine and hydration is great, and I'm 2 cm dialated and 60% effaced.
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1 comment:
Kelli my dear...I have you in my prayers...I hear what you are saying and I fully understand what it's like to not be in the word personally with God...especially at this moment...reading what you wrote...I can completely relate. So let's keep each other in prayer about that one. It truly is amazing how He takes care of us no matter what!! Praises to our Savior!! Love you girl!!
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