Nine weeks blessed

Note: I posted this on Wed., Oct 8. I started writing it on the 6th, but couldn't quite finish it which is why the entry date is October 6, 2008.

Yes, I was nine weeks blessed. Last month, Simon and I were so excited to find out that we were expecting baby #4. Soon followed the normal nausea, tiredness and crankiness that I experience in every pregnancy. So, knowing the drill, we scheduled our first ultrasound today. Having had nothing but normal ultrasounds in my past pregnancies it was surreal to hear the doctor say, "Guys, I have bad news."

Our little one did not have a heartbeat and did appear to have an abnormality in his development- a lump behind the neck that was an indication that he would not form correctly.
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It's only been two days but I already feel like I am so different than I was 48 hours ago. I have come to know God as I never have and am experiencing His love in a way I would not have known had this never happened.

I could say, "I don't know why this happened God" and true, I don't know His whole plan but I do hope part of that reason is to draw me to Him. I am so clearly reminded of some of God's names:

• Elohay Mikarov - God Who Is Near: (Jeremiah 23:23)
• Elohay Mauzi - God Of My Strength: (Psalm 43:2)
• El Shaddai - The God who is sufficient for the needs of His people
• Jehovah-Jirah - The Lord our provider

In these past days, I am so drawn to Him. As I know what His character is, I can rely on who He is. I do not feel alone - He is with me. I do not feel defeated - He is my strength. I am not suffering - I have His peace.
Yes, I am sad. The nights are the worst. I don't know how you can miss something so much that you never knew. I do not like the fact that I am still nauseous, and know that this time feeling sick was not an indicator of a healthy baby. I do not like the thought of the upcoming miscarriage itself, but hate the idea of having to have surgery in case my body does not do what it was designed to do. I do not want to be happy right now - it is comforting to grieve.
There is such a fine line between all of these feelings. I would never wish this on anyone, but at the same time I love the face of the Lord that I have seen because of this. That, I do wish for everyone.
Baby Graham, I love you. I am more than nine weeks blessed. I am nine weeks blessed and counting...
You did have a purpose and I rejoice in you. You are beautiful and to know you are in the presence of God in all of his glory right now is more than any mother could hope for. I will see you soon.

There is a sweetness in sorrow I cannot explain

A complicated, simple

Yet sound, solid sweetness.

Hugging me, holding me

Helping me cry

Waves come upon me, I cannot contain

But Your mercy and goodness

is ever so clear

In Your sweetness, Your sweetness

Your sound, solid sweetness.