Monday, October 6, 2008

Nine weeks blessed

Note: I posted this on Wed., Oct 8. I started writing it on the 6th, but couldn't quite finish it which is why the entry date is October 6, 2008.

Yes, I was nine weeks blessed. Last month, Simon and I were so excited to find out that we were expecting baby #4. Soon followed the normal nausea, tiredness and crankiness that I experience in every pregnancy. So, knowing the drill, we scheduled our first ultrasound today. Having had nothing but normal ultrasounds in my past pregnancies it was surreal to hear the doctor say, "Guys, I have bad news."

Our little one did not have a heartbeat and did appear to have an abnormality in his development- a lump behind the neck that was an indication that he would not form correctly.
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It's only been two days but I already feel like I am so different than I was 48 hours ago. I have come to know God as I never have and am experiencing His love in a way I would not have known had this never happened.

I could say, "I don't know why this happened God" and true, I don't know His whole plan but I do hope part of that reason is to draw me to Him. I am so clearly reminded of some of God's names:
  • Elohay Mikarov - God Who Is Near: (Jeremiah 23:23)
  • Elohay Mauzi - God Of My Strength: (Psalm 43:2)
  • El Shaddai - The God who is sufficient for the needs of His people
  • Jehovah-Jirah - The Lord our provider
In these past days, I am so drawn to Him. As I know what His character is, I can rely on who He is. I do not feel alone - He is with me. I do not feel defeated - He is my strength. I am not suffering - I have His peace.
Yes, I am sad. The nights are the worst. I don't know how you can miss something so much that you never knew. I do not like the fact that I am still nauseous, and know that this time feeling sick was not an indicator of a healthy baby. I do not like the thought of the upcoming miscarriage itself, but hate the idea of having to have surgery in case my body does not do what it was designed to do. I do not want to be happy right now - it is comforting to grieve.
There is such a fine line between all of these feelings. I would never wish this on anyone, but at the same time I love the face of the Lord that I have seen because of this. That, I do wish for everyone.
Baby Graham, I love you. I am more than nine weeks blessed. I am nine weeks blessed and counting...
You did have a purpose and I rejoice in you. You are beautiful and to know you are in the presence of God in all of his glory right now is more than any mother could hope for. I will see you soon.


There is a sweetness in sorrow I cannot explain
A complicated, simple
Yet sound, solid sweetness.
Hugging me, holding me
Helping me cry
Waves come upon me, I cannot contain
But Your mercy and goodness
is ever so clear
In Your sweetness, Your sweetness
Your sound, solid sweetness.

10 comments:

Danielle said...

My heart hurts with yours. I completely understand "not" wanting to be happy right now and know that is ok. You are brave and we all know that. Hang in there and I'm an ear away if you need me.

The Family Senter said...

I am grieving with you my dear friend!
know that we are lifting you up to our heavenly father.
I am rejoicing with you over this precious little one the Lord created and so grateful to hear of how the Lord has been so sweet to draw you near.
love to you my dear sister!
I will continue praying in the days ahead

Sara said...

I can't imagine what it's like to be in your position. I can't imagine what it's like to be in your position without the hope of heaven, as some are. I am so glad we have that promise and hope. What comfort amidst the sorrow. Grieve, dear friend... and I grieve with you. My eyes well up with yours and my arms wish to fold about you. It is well with your soul and with baby Graham's as they rest with Jesus.

Ali said...

We love all of the Grahams...I'm thankful to have rejoiced with you, and I am mourning with you.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss...my heart aches for you and your family.

mg said...

My heart is filled with hurt, yet an indescribable comfort that I know only comes from our Father. We lost our first child to miscarriage and I still feel that wonder of missing the one I never got to meet. What a testimony you are to the faithfulness of our God to carry us through the most difficult times. You will be in my heart and prayers. -melinda

Lisa said...

I am so sorry. We are praying for your precious family. Baby Graham is resting with Jesus, how awesome is that! And playing with the many God needed for His plans. We will see them soon. I feel your pain my sister in Him. He is holding you in the palm of His hand, and saves every tear. Be strong in Him.

Jennefer said...

Kelli,

What a beautiful post. It took me awhile to get over here to visit you but I am so glad I did. I love the pictures of your Graham and I am so glad you posted them. I hope your heart is healing alongside your body and you are continuing to find comfort in our Savior. Blessings to you and I will continue to lift you up.

Thanks for sharing your story,
Jennefer

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

Kelli,

I had no idea. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

vivian said...

Kelli,
There are no way I know your pain but my heart does ache for you and your families loss of Graham. I feel so blessed that our faith is so strong. As you know I also share your deep faith and know Graham is with God now. I don,t feel it will be long before I will also enter heaven and I will be able to be with Graham and all our other family. You are such an inspiration Kelli and I am so proud of you my little cousin. Thanks so much for caring enough about me to let me meet your other wondrful children. If I don't get to see you guys again here on other I will be waiting on the other side. Love You All, Alvina

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